Dear Walter...

Walter Woodward, BS, AS is our resident wood and relationship specialist.

Walter Woodward takes your Love Relationship to the Next Level
     Remember that cutting board you made for your wife at Christmas? Well, I’m sure it was appreciated. But you can’t stop at Christmas presents. You have to have presents for birthdays, anniversaries, anniversaries of first dates…it goes on and on all year. You can never stop with the presents. And now February 14 is coming up. That’s Valentine’s Day. You’ve surely heard of it- it is the bane of every elementary school boy’s life! Remember when you had to cut out little hearts and give them to all the girls in the class? That was an important lesson for the rest of your life. My job is to help get you through this labyrinth of gift-giving occasions. We’ll start with Valentine’s Day. If you haven’t yet got yourself a girl, try to find one with a birthday on Valentine’s Day and ask her for a first date on Valentine’s Day (For hints on getting that first date, see Walter’s book: 1001 Pickup Lines Guaranteed to Woo). That way you can reduce the annual gift obligation—one gift covers all three occasions.
Walter has devoted his life to understanding Woman and has discovered the Rosetta Stone of the feminine mind. His neighbor, Thorgerta Helgersen, subscribes to several fashion magazines. Not just Martha Stewart, but  also magazines full of New York and Paris fashions. Last week, while visiting Thor, Walter “inadvertently” spilled his tea. When Thorgerta ran to get paper towels, Walter secretly stuffed a couple of these magazines down his pants and snuck them home. (NOTE: You should not try this unless you have spy training, like Walter).  Walter has graciously shared what he learned with me.
    "From the magazines, I learned two things that are guaranteed to take a guy’s love relationship to the NEXT LEVEL, two things that are “in” this season among women—Butterflies and tangerine (the color, not the fruit). I recommend you take a small board, ¼” or less in thickness and cut out a butterfly shape with your jigsaw. Staple a bobby pin to the back. Go to the auto parts section of Wal-Mart and get a can of tangerine spray paint. Auto places aren’t privy to New York and Paris style so you won’t find paint labeled “tangerine”. Just find something similar, like “hunter orange”. Really, any orangey color should work as long as you call it tangerine. Spray the butterfly with the paint and there you have it—a tangerine butterfly hair clip. She will love you for it and will doubtless remember the day you made her the hair clip. In fact, she will probably expect a gift on the anniversary of the day you gave her the hair clip. If you give it to her on Valentine’s Day you won’t have another anniversary day to remember."
Now you understand that those awful Valentine’s Day celebrations in elementary school really were a preparation for adult life. You’ll also understand why priests and monks aren’t as crazy as you thought for remaining single. Less time buying or making presents means more time for hunting, fishing, and woodworking.                                                       ~WW